Andrew Yerka
4062 W. Liberty Creek Dr.
South Jordan, UT 84095
Cell: 320-224-1296
AndrewYerka@gmail.com
SUBJECT: Internal Memo to HR (URGENT! RESPONSE REQUIRED!)
Dear God,
On Saturday, May 24th, at 7:30 a.m., and again at 11:30 p.m., I submitted a request for an abundance of wealth, energy, instant career advancement opportunities, charming good-looks, and uncanny luck. As of 9:05 p.m today, I have not received any communication from your department.
While I understand Sunday's are a busy time in your office, I have been waiting for my order for a little over ten years now.
Additionally, I have not received any extra paid time off for activities such as; golfing, sleeping, playing video games, recording music, watching Netflix, killing zombies, shooting friends with paint-balls, or even getting shot by paint-balls.
Please look through your records to find any previous requests and expedite them as soon as possible. Let me know if you have any questions or need any additional assistance. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Andrew Yerka
andrewyerka@gmail.com
(320) 224-1296
RE: Internal Memo to HR (URGENT! RESPONSE REQUIRED!)
Hi Andy,
After reviewing our records, since your eighth birthday on 09/06/1985, we have received 7,566 requests for all the above mentioned gifts. I am pleased to inform you we have reviewed your request and have posted the results of our internal investigation below;
1. Abundance of Wealth
- Our records show you have a college degree from an accredited 4-year university.
- You are married to one of our finest case-workers, Kimberly E. Yerka.
- You are the father of two beautiful children.
2. Energy
- Our recommendation is to lay off the Mountain Dew and responsibly exercise.
- Also, we've received reports of late-show movies. Go to bed at a reasonable hour.
3. Career Advancement
- You have been promoted four times in less than two years. Work hard and be patient.
- Additionally, you are lucky to have such a good job you enjoy.
4. Charming Good-Looks
- To be honest, we sent your memo around the office and everyone had a good laugh.
5. Luck
- You should read The Book of Luck: Brilliant Ideas for Creating Your Own Success and Making Life Go Your Way by Heather Summers and Anne Watson
Regarding extra paid time off, we found some noteworthy discrepancies;
- While company policy does not mandate any additional compensation for time off, we do require every employee to contribute to balancing their share of the work-load. Your spouse has not received a day off since 09/08/2011.
- Additionally, the number of poopy diapers your spouse has changed in contrast to you is staggering.
- It has also come to our attention you have been spending company resources on golfing rather than supporting your spouse manage your budget.
Immediate improvement in your department is required.
Thank you for your request, and please let us know if you have any questions or concerns.
Sincerely,
The Management.
